Sometimes.... we are led to people that can change our lives.....
a few years back... a client contacted me for doula services.... being I was so new at being a doula, I was a little unsure about myself.... but... we clicked....and i attended her first birth experience of her first son... Alexander.... She went full term with full expectation of having a wonderful birthing experience to see it rather quickly and abruptly changed... ending up with a cesarean that she was not prepared for, nor wanting to have.
After the birth of her son, whom I happen to think is so beautiful because he’s MY doula baby :) (although I’m sure that the cute factor in her and her husband do have something to do with it genetically ) -- She and I became fast friends. and we stayed in contact with each other.... and she listened to me ramble about all that goes on within my practice, and at some point actually picked up the whole informed choice as being a good way to go....
In deciding to get pregnant again, She decided that she would choose a different way to give birth. so we searched, and i helped her locate some midwifes that would help her achieve the birth experience that she wanted.... to help her KNOW that there is nothing wrong with her.... that her body knows what its doing.... and that the medical profession was just a little hasty in their choices. But regardless of their choices, she had healing to do.
So she chose, after meeting with the midwives, that having a homebirth would be the right choice for her after considering her options. And I of course, was invited. Of course, i would have been awfully offended if i wasn't invited :) And.... being that we have become so close... i knew that this was a birth i wouldn't miss for the world.... and i told her often.... that i had every intention of being there...
Sometimes, people touch us in ways we aren’t accustomed too. in all the births that i have attended, there are very few that I have kept in touch with and formed such a close bond outside of client /doula relationship. I can count them on less than one hand.
Watching her go through this experience has been a great joy to me, as she worked through her fears of her blood pressure and her past experience. as she finds out how her care providers had let her down. acknowledging her own fears and accomplishments... taking what she knew then, building on it to make this experience the one of her dreams. I watched her often in wonder and listening to her speak about these things... and we would process it all together... in such idle chit chat ... it seemed so natural to me to be able to have these kinds of conversations with her ... I wonder if she knew at the time how much she was doing.... all the processing in preparations for her next birth....
So, She set out, to make the experienced as she dreamed. And I felt such joy when she would call me and she knew she was making the right choice for herself. When she took her pregnancy test, i am not sure who was more excited. me or her :) But with the excitement also comes that little nagging voice in the background that says this might be tough... we are fighting against a medical profession and a society in general that does not think that homebirths are safe. and not only that, but one that feels that having a vbac (vaginal birth after a ceserean) is even more risky. And for me, as a doula, It was a bit different because i have become so emotionally attached to her. But I also knew that she was much more powerful and strong than she was ever giving herself credit for before.
She chose to take the risk. Now she was comfortable. She has the people surrounding her that will make her feel safe. and know that all will be ok. And that no matter what, we are here for her in whatever manor she chooses. whatever time of day. She did what i encourage all women to do in this birth process. create your birth environment. surround yourself with those you are completely safe with. you trust, you admire, you love, you know will only touch your life in the strongest and gentlest way possible. If you do this, you are capable of anything.
She called me after each visit as i listened intently. most often what was suppose to be an update turned into a 2 hours phone conversation... fine by me... i mean... i love talking about this to anyone who will listen.... She and her husband took my childbirth classes with gentle reminders of how labor would go as she hadn’t really experienced it previously. As time got closer , tension was building.. a couple scare from testing, measuring too big, or blood pressure going up.... white coat syndrome... we figured it out....even though she trusted the midwife .. she still had the fear of her blood pressure... which of course... made her blood pressure go up out of fear. But... she knew she was ok.... and her blood pressure always came back down again...
a week before her due date she started having contractions....and i waited all day thinking for sure it would be that day.... but... it didn't happen... so...she tried to rest... Monday came... same thing... all the contractions happened in the morning.... as evening came... they went away.... Tuesday... Wednesday... Oh she went to the midwife! she’s 3 cm dilated! whoo hoooo! something is happening... but they fizzled.... Thursday came and went. Contractions every day.... but fizzling at night.... Friday she called me early... around 5 am....thinking this has to be it... contractions every 2-3 minutes...so I went... and i stayed... the midwife came later that afternoon... She was no 4.5 centimeters! so... the midwife thought she'd stay....at about 6 that night... not much had changed... so the new momma to be decided that shed rest more.... and i went home. Saturday... Sunday..(her due date ) .. Monday.... Tuesday.... NOTHING!....
So we chatted.... Wednesday she would go down to the midwives office and they would decide what to do to kick labor into high gear....As i rushed around on Tuesday, after working all night and all day on Monday, i was already wore out. I was suppose to leave on vacation the next day... but .. it looked like my husband would be going on his own. with my kids. and i would stay... because.. of course... there was NO WAY i was going to miss this birth. even for a big family party 20 hours of driving away... So i helped him pack and get ready....
it was about midnight before i even laid my head on my pillow. but decided, once again to make sure i had all three phones by my bed... just in case she needed me...I was laying there processing everything with my husband about the trip. when to call, what money to spend, how i had budgeted , who’s clothes were packed where, what tiles i could lay while he was gone... and i was looking forward to having some quiet time by myself.
Now i KNEW that because her labor was going so slowly that when it kicked in... it was going to go FAST....
at about 1 am i got a phone call.. still being awake from chit chat... i answered quickly... all i heard... "my water broke can you come over ?" it was SO HER... ~~smile~~ I said sure. hung up and 14 minutes later i was in her house... Contractions 2 minutes apart consecutively... for the whole 16 minutes she had been timing them since she had called me... I asked her if she call ed the midwife... yes.... and she’s on her way? no... hmmm... ok.... time them for an hour she said...
now... I’ve never in my life gone to a birth where on the way to the birth i was thinking... maybe i should have someone else come with me. but.. i thought for a few moments that i should call my backup...then i thought nooooooo... I’m just going crazy..... I wont need any help with this....
i sat and watched her go through her contractions.. breathing... squatting... using the birth ball....doing whatever her body needed at the time... it was amazing to watch her be so strong through such intense contractions...so i left her alone... now and again id touch her or rub her back.... at about 2 we called the midwife.. yes the contractions were still 2 minutes apart.. yes.. she’s on her way... and we were to call if things changed at all..
another half hour or so and they picked up..... now she was only getting about 30 second in-between them... and she told me she feels pressure.. i placed my hand on the small of her back.. here? no lower... here? no lower... and she took my hand to the bottom of her pelvis and I said... ok... we need to call the midwife now... when i called the midwife, she was now leaning over her husband making some moaning sounds...i expressed that she was feeling pushy... the midwife asked to get her in the tub to slow the contractions down...
So i filled the tub as she moaned and rocked and spent the time with her husband in the room ... between checking the temp of the water, i would go and rub her back to help her through some.... so she got in the tub... contractions didn't slow down.... and she started feeling pushy... we spoke to the midwife again who said to try to have her blow through them...
And so we tried...pant... blow... pant.... push? ok... so push...... pant? ok... no... go on and listen to your body... and push she did... she did pant and she did blow.... but involuntary pushing eventually takes over.... so she looked at me , as her husband rushed around like a bee, and said, Ruth, i think you might be delivering this baby... of course... I’m thinking to myself... ummm.... might be? but there’s still hope... she couldn’t feel the head with her fingers....the midwife might miraculously make it here... although i quite confident in my calm and nurturing ways and i felt very calm at the time.... I am in no way a midwife. I have amazing knowledge.. i know this.. but I do not have medical backing in case something did need to be attended too.. however.. i still had no fear. This is not a medical experience. its birth. and i knew that she would be ok. and that the baby would be ok. So i encouraged her to do what her body told her to do , while gently reminding her not to fight against it by holding her breath.. to let the baby come.... and... i saw the head. Which came slowly and smoothly .. just as it should...... spoke to the midwife briefly who told me to feel for a cord around the neck....holding my hand behind his soft little head to stop it from hitting the back of the tub when delivered, his fat little round face came out....... no cord... but.. what the heck is that? oh my... tiny fingers along his cheek... he’s a thinker!!!! i picture him in utero now, with his little hand by his cheek, elbow on leg... wondering... how can i make this easy on my mom? ~~grin~~
Another gentle push and as his body emerged a new mother was born...... 314 am... i picked him up slowly, taking a piece of the amniotic sac from around his head, letting mom hold him close, as we call cried.... welcome little one... he’s so perfect we could hardly stand it! We wrapped him with dry towels, stimulated him to cry, wiped some juice from his mouth as he would open it...and we whined... he was pinking up quite quickly....i watched as his little round face got splotchy with pink and eventually it spread... he was so beautiful i could hardly stand it... and Mom was stunning! she had to be the most beautiful new mom I’ve ever seen.... somehow, someone remembered that the midwife was on the phone... I have no idea how long it had been... i was too enamored by what had just happened.....and this new mom that i was so incredibly proud of i didn't know what to think, and of course baby.... so... dad picked up the phone... oh yeah.. by the way... baby is born :) and they wanted us to move her to the bedroom... as we did before the placenta was born and awaited the midwifes to come and give a clean bill of health. But i knew both were doing fabulous . Baby was a little wet so i suctioned his cheeks just a little... but he did well... breathing was great, nursed well, and all was miraculous and amazing... I will never forget this as long as i live. I remember for a fleeting moment as i do most often when i see such miraculous moments in time, i need my camera! I have the image in my mind, of his face under that water in the tub right before he was born... what a perfect water birth! and how calm mom was.... it was an experience to never let go of...
The midwife came in... and assessed all was well... lots of hugs exchanged...mom didn't even tear! she did beautifully! baby did wonderful, Brendan Michael was born 9 lbs 4 oz with a compound presentation ( hand by face which makes it more difficult to birth and easier to tear ) without giving mom anything to worry about...
The midwife complimented me on a job well done. I couldn't figure out why she kept saying it, so i asked her... (when you cant figure something out , the best thing to do is ask... grin) and she said most people would have called the fire rescue... and i explained that had never even come to my mind.. she was little surprised.... It would have been a zoo as she says, if i had... but i kept thinking ... why didn't it occur to me to call fire rescue as i had no medical training.... and i know the answer.... there was nothing medical to do... I saw no need to call someone who had no business being involved in something when it was a natural process... all was ok... i knew it would be.... i knew the midwife was on her way... fire rescue is something you call when something is wrong... nothing was wrong... so it never occurred to me.. and I’m glad it didn’t. I knew to watch for the baby breathing. I knew to watch for blood loss from mom. I knew to watch her and see how she was doing. I remember asking her often how she was. she was well. I look back and think to myself, I see now why the midwife was so proud of me. Although i still don’t see that grand thing that I did... i am certainly aware of how naturally it came to me to do all that i did. my knowledge helped me a great deal. I don’t need to be a medical professional to know that everything was happening as it was suppose to. Mom did all the work. I only made sure he didn't hit his head on the way out. This was the most wonderful and miraculous birth I’ve ever attended. but it was the hardest as well. For the first time , i was very emotionally connected to a client. I was even a little uncomfortable watching her in pain. The closer you get emotionally to someone, the harder this profession gets. and the closeness makes it hard to create that bit of distance. But I did. And she did perfectly. And i am glad that my presence and gentle voice was heard by her in her moments of need , and that I could help her trust that she is the strong woman, i already knew she was.
I look back on this and think to myself... as i watched her nurse him in her own bed, surrounded by people who love her, who have faith in her ability to do what women are born to do, who honor her as the strong woman she is, and see the first moments that are shared by mom , dad and new baby.... these are never replaceable. these moments. We all create our own reality. And its amazing how much of our mind creates what happens in our own bodies. this mind body connection is an amazing thing... I ponder if she made the unconscious choice to have this baby without the midwife there....or if the baby did. because he knew that her blood pressure went up when care providers were around... I think babies choose to be born. I also think they are much more aware and smarter than we ever give them credit for. But no matter why it happened the way it did... it was absolutely the most picture perfect birth i could have ever imagined in my life. Imagine how wonderful it is to us to see such a wonderful thing happen...
but even stronger... imagine what it was like for that baby.... He was brought into this world by a mother who worked endlessly and with great effort and sometimes frustration, but a lot of laughter too, a father who although a little nervous was by far the best support person i have ever encountered at a birth, and me. a doula who loves him as she loves her own children.... he was welcomed into this world into incredibly gentle warm and loving hands, in dim light, with gentle sounds. we let him breath easily as his body needed, and warmed him in the arms of his mother, between her breasts and gently caressed.. spoken to softly by his father, with tears on everyone’s face.....I am honored to have been chosen for the safe arrival of this beautiful angel child.....his mother out of complete trust chose me to experience this with her and her little family... in her little home...in her incredibly tiny bathtub...to be trusted to this extent is an amazing thing...... welcome little one....I am glad i was led to your mother, your father , your brother , and especially you. Thank you for changing my life. When I plant the placenta you lived off of under a new baby tree in my yard, I will remember and I will cherish you and this experience for all of my days....
your loving doula,
Ruth
P.s. for those who are unsure….. Or unaware… a homebirth, vbac, waterbirth, and catching the baby in this kind of love surrounded perfect enviornment… for a doula… Is like winning the lottery of never ending money…. I will live off this high for a LONG LONG time…..